Trigger warning ahead: This books plot is based on a person taking her life and the after effects that happen to her family. It also deals with taboo of depression. If you have any history with suicide, please do not read this book or my review. Thank you. M.
About (Goodreads)
Leigh Chen Sanders is absolutely certain about one thing: When her mother died by suicide, she turned into a bird.
Leigh, who is half Asian and half white, travels to Taiwan to meet her maternal grandparents for the first time. There, she is determined to find her mother, the bird. In her search, she winds up chasing after ghosts, uncovering family secrets, and forging a new relationship with her grandparents. And as she grieves, she must try to reconcile the fact that on the same day she kissed her best friend and longtime secret crush, Axel, her mother was taking her own life.
Alternating between real and magic, past and present, friendship and romance, hope and despair, The Astonishing Color of After is a novel about finding oneself through family history, art, grief, and love.
My Thoughts
Trigger warning ahead: This books plot is based on a person taking her life and the after effects that happen to her family. It also deals with taboo of depression. If you have any history with suicide, please do not read this book or my review. Thank you. M.
I’ve been looking for a book that I could finally mark less than 5 stars. This IS NOT it. This book is astounding. A debut novel by the author and she hit out of the book park (library?). Honest, raw, emotional. A roller coaster of emotions from beginning to end. From the very first sentence I was hooked. That is hard to do people! To engage your reader from the very beginning is sometimes SO damn difficult that some books don’t truly get their groove until mid chapter 1, maybe chapter 2.
I honestly think though that the character Leigh is what makes this book, which is great, since she’s the main character. Leigh is an emotional ball of fierce who is struggling like any child would with the sudden death of her mother. By going on this long journey of finding out how to find her mother again, she also learns about her long estranged grandparents, sees her father through new eyes, and learns so many new, sad, and wonderful things about her life, family, and most importantly, herself.
It takes true craft to have the reader also grieve with the character. I mean, I felt the emotions, not only for Leigh, the daughter; but also, for Dory, her mother. As someone who has depression and anxiety this story is relate-able. And that is where the author gets you. She made the story relate-able for almost everyone who reads it. Whether you have depression or some other form of mental illness, know someone who has, or maybe a close family member who has a mental illness, you can on some level feel the emotions from all characters. I think the topic of suicide and depression is such a heartbreaking yet relevant topic for today. The way Pan writes this story is exquisite and delves into how families deal with these issues. It really shows you that saying, “you never know what happens behind closed doors”. In this case, no one really knew what Dory was going through, no one noticed. It’s easy to hide behind a fake smile.
One of the quotes that really stuck with me from the book was
Depression, I opened my mouth to say, but the word refused to take shape. Why was it so hard to talk about this? Why did my mother’s condition feel like this big secret?
…
“She’s forgotten how to be happy,” I told him.
this conversation takes place between Axle and Leigh and it made me cry. It really is that difficult for some people to say, to understand, to deal with. Taboo. It’s a conversation people need to be able to have so they can help each other. Because mental health does affect everyone. I mean, depression comes with highs and lows. When you are in the low part, it takes A LOT to come up sometimes. And in order to get out, you NEED someone who can pull you up a little at a time.
One of the key aspects in this story also is art. Leigh is a very talented artist who expresses herself in what shade something makes her feel. “What color?” is said throughout the story and flashbacks between her and her best friend Axel. It’s such a different perspective on how to see things. Colors. They are everywhere but how often do we actually pay attention to what shade of blue, green, yellow, etc the thing/person/object/place is? We don’t. We move too fast. This book is a whirlwind yet the colours are extraordinary. It paints a new picture when specific colors are added to the mix. Leigh and Axle do a wonderful job of painting their pictures both separate and together. And y’all, you will want them together. They are precious.
I need to touch on the father. Leigh’s father is a hard working, intelligent, loving and caring man who truly does love and care for his family. The stories told about him and Dory are sweet. It makes you wonder how in the world he missed the signs? This book really conjurs up the questions people always have about suicide. Whose fault is it? Is it the families? Is the persons? I think survivors guilt is what most feel. I can’t know because I have never lost anyone close to me from suicide. I can only say from reading the book that it seemed like what Leigh was feeling until she found her answers in Taiwan visiting her grandparents. It’s really relieving to see that he does change and support Leigh in the end though. I think he realized that he needs her and supporting her and loving her is what he needs to do.
The journey in Taiwan that Leigh takes is so original, at least to me. It was a crazy roller coaster of ups and downs, and mental games. Leigh powers through memories and you’re taken on a walk down memory lane, but not just Leigh’s memories, everyone’s memories. Leigh’s, her dad’s, her grandma’s, her aunt, her father, all the important keys to her mother’s life that will hopefully end in Leigh finding the red bird.
I can relate to the part where Leigh complains about being told she’s exotic or asked, “What are you?”. My daughters are part Asian and I’ve been asked on occasion that question and been told that they look “so exotic”. My reply though is usually, “they’re not dancers.” My humor is either not appreciated or goes WAY over the person’s head.
Rating
Recommendation
I would recommend this book for high school literature classes,but as long as teachers announced the subject matter in advance; adult book clubs could also benefit from this subject matter.
Other
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M.
librarianmtom 